Let’s Grade a Nigerian Scam Letter

HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?. (Note the period after a question mark) HOPE ALL IS WELL. (I am glad that he cares so much about my nephew in jail, my brother who married an alcoholic, and my father who passed away eighteen years ago) MY NAME IS SGT 1ST CLASS MIKE PETERS, I AM AN AMERICAN SOLDIER, SERVING IN THE MILITARY WITH THE ARMY’S 3RD INFANTRY DIVISION WITH A VERY DESPERATE NEED FOR ASSISTANCE. (What better way to seek immediate assistance than an email?) I HAVE SUMMED UP COURAGE (He has no courage? Wait…isn’t he’s supposed to an American soldier?) TO CONTACT YOU. I FOUND YOUR CONTACT PARTICULARS IN AN ADDRESS JOURNAL. (Of course! Where else would it be?)

I AM SEEKING YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE (Would my assistance not be kind?) TO MOVE THE SUM OF $28 MILLION U.S. DOLLARS (Now say it again, as if it’s actually on a check.) TWENTY EIGHT MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS TO YOU, (Should have been a period, not a comma) AS FAR AS I CAN BE ASSURED THAT MY SHARE WILL BE SAFE IN YOUR CARE (Trusting soul, isn’t he?) UNTIL I COMPLETE MY SERVICE HERE. SOURCE OF MONEY: SOME MONEY IN VARIOUS CURRENCIES (Shekels, Spanish Doubloons, Old French Francs and MONOPOLY Money!) WAS DISCOVERED IN (Whiskey?) BARRELS AT A FARM HOUSE NEAR ONE OF SADDAM’S OLD PALACES (by the 7-Eleven) next to IN TIKRIT-IRAQ DURING A RESCUE OPERATION, AND IT WAS AGREED BY STAFF SGT KENNETH BUFF (I see, a staff sergeant runs the scam there) AND I THAT SOME PART OF THIS MONEY BE SHARED AMONG BOTH OF US BEFORE INFORMING ANYBODY ABOUT IT SINCE BOTH OF US SAW THE MONEY FIRST. (Finders keepers!) THIS WAS QUITE AN ILLEGAL THING TO DO, (So now he has a conscience?), BUT I TELL YOU WHAT? NO COMPENSATION CAN MAKE UP FOR THE RISK WE HAVE TAKEN WITH OUR LIVES IN THIS HELL HOLE (Wow! A true American saying) OF WHICH MY BROTHER IN-LAW WAS KILLED BY A ROAD SIDE BOMB LAST TIME. (How many times can this guy get killed?)

THE ABOVE FIGURE WAS GIVEN TO ME AS MY SHARE, AND TO CONCEAL THIS KIND OF MONEY BECAME A PROBLEM FOR ME, SO WITH THE HELP OF A BRITISH CONTACT WORKING HERE (Let make sure we’ve got more people involved here) AND HIS OFFICE (The plot thickens) ENJOY SOME IMMUNITY, (Everybody must be a crook over there!) I WAS ABLE TO GET THE PACKAGE OUT OF IRAQ TO YOUR COUNTRY (Huh? His country is somewhere else? I thought he said that he was an American soldier!) FOR YOU TO PICK UP, AND I WILL DISCUSS THIS WITH YOU WHEN I AM SURE THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO ASSIST ME, AND I BELIEVE THAT MY MONEY WILL BE WELL SECURED IN YOUR HAND (Oh goody, he trusts me already!) BECAUSE YOU HAVE FEAR OF GOD. (What happens if I am an Atheist or simply have no fear?)

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU WILL TAKE FROM THIS MONEY FOR THE ASSISTANCE YOU WILL GIVE TO ME. (All of it, you crook!) ONE PASSIONATE (The last time I was passionate, my husband accused me of being drunk) APPEAL I WILL MAKE TO YOU IS NOT TO DISCUSS THIS MATTER WITH ANYBODY, SHOULD YOU HAVE REASONS TO REJECT THIS OFFER, PLEASE PLEASE (Third time’s a charm) AND PLEASE DESTROY THIS MESSAGE AS ANY LEAKAGE OF THIS INFORMATION WILL BE TOO BAD FOR US SOLDIER’S HERE IN IRAQ. (You mean that nobody else is to know?) I DO NOT KNOW HOW LONG WE WILL REMAIN HERE (Apparently he hasn’t heard from Obama yet), AND I HAVE BEEN SHOT (Should have been shot in the brain before he thought of this), WOUNDED AND SURVIVED TWO SUICIDE BOMB ATTACKS BY THE SPECIAL GRACE OF GOD (The grace of God tried to commit suicide twice?), THIS AND OTHER REASONS I WILL MENTION LATER (Later? This is his only correspondence!) HAS PROMPTED ME TO REACH OUT FOR HELP, I HONESTLY (Really?!?!) WANT THIS MATTER TO BE RESOLVED IMMEDIATELY, PLEASE CONTACT ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE WITH MY E-MAIL ADDRESS WHICH IS MY ONLY WAY OF COMMUNICATION (Because letters and telegrams can be traced).

Sincerely a true American, (Ya think??)

SGT. MIKE PETERS

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